I want to write about having sex for the purpose of feeling validated because it’s something I did a lot as a teen and I figure others probably have similar experiences.
After I lost my virginity to a boy that dumped me the day after, I started tallying notches on my bed post as a form of self worth & validation. I believed that if I wanted males to like me I needed to be sexually available to them and the cooler I thought they were the more accomplished I felt fucking them.
I grew up in a small town and struggled making friends, so sleeping with men to connect and be social seemed to make sense. Most of the males I slept with I did out of pure boredom and to avoid loneliness.
I’ve spoken to clients who say one of the main reasons they visit brothels is to connect with someone and to feel cared for. Sometimes the client is purely there for conversation and affection and will leave without sex. Sex workers are similar to hairdressers – they’re “unqualified” counsellors.
I moved to Sydney city at 18 years old and continued my promiscuity with this new sea of hot men, sleeping with them to feel worthy, but I never felt satisfied and they always left.
Last year I learnt from NLP expert, Adriana James that self worth is something that is generated after the completion of something that is meaningful to you and when I heard that I felt truth deep within my heart.
If we are constantly seeking worth, validation, happiness, outside of ourselves whether it be through emotionless sex or likes on social media, we will be forever searching and hurting.
Everything we will ever need or want in this lifetime begins by digging deep within ourselves and discovering we have all the resources inside of us.
It’s simply a matter of believing in ourselves enough to be able to harness our potential.
It’s normal to want others to like us
It’s normal for you to want people to like you. To a certain degree, we all want people to like us.
Maybe your caretakers never gave you the love and validation you needed growing up, so you seek validation from others to make yourself feel valued and wanted. That makes sense to me.
Or maybe you’re used to being in relationships with people who told you they loved you all the time and showed it by having sex with you.
We all want external validation
Deep down, I’m a people pleaser. I like it when people like me.
And I can’t stand it when people don’t.
I still turn to people to make myself feel better. When people like me, I feel good about myself. When people don’t like me, I feel bad.
Over the years, though, I’ve started caring less about what others think of me and started caring much more about what I think of myself. I don’t turn to outside sources of happiness, love, and validation as much as I used to.
Because in the end, what’s more important? How others see me sometimes, or how I see myself all the time?
Self-love, it’s an inside job
deep down, you know this too. It’s called self-love for a reason. It comes from the self, not from external sources of validation.
Sure, it feels good when someone tells you that you’re doing a great job at work or that you’re a fantastic and sexy person, but it’s a fleeting reward.
What isn’t fleeting is cultivating the kind of love for yourself that is unshakeable and that you can count on day in and day out.
And even when you can’t, you know deep down that you’re a valuable human being. You don’t need someone to tell you or show you that you’re wanted.
I know this to be true, yet I still fall into the trap of looking outwardly for love.
Sometimes it comes out in seeking validation through sex, like you. Other times it’ll be through dating apps. The more I match, the better I feel.
But it’s always a temporary fix, and a weak one at that.
Because the solution to self-love isn’t to seek it from an outside source, self-love comes from within.
How can you give yourself the love you seek from others?
Do you have a yoga practice that you’ve wanted to deepen?
Do you want to move your body more?
Is there a work project that will bring you satisfaction and fulfilment?
Are there activities that used to bring you love that you can pick back up?
Can you spend more time with friends and family who bring you happiness and love?
Can you find other sources of love that aren’t romantic or sexual and will bring you love, care, compassion, health, and happiness?
The better I feel, the better I feel about myself, the more attractive I feel, the more confidence I have.
Eating well, moving your body, surrounding yourself with people who support and nurture us, saying no when your habit is to say yes, are all helpful tools are starting to take care of yourself.
Taking a bath instead of calling that person back, putting the phone down (after liking this post), going for a walk, eating something you don’t usually allow yourself to eat, and being sickeningly kind with yourself can help bolster your self-love routine.
What can you start adding to your self-care routine this week?
You are perfect and you are enough
It’s common for people to look at outside sources of validation when feeling unloved and attractive. To a certain degree, we all do it.
At the same time, we’d feel better about ourselves if we focused on cultivating a self-love practice that came from within.
We’re full of love and deserving of the best kind of love that is available. Loved, loving, and loveable. That’s a killer combo right there.
None of this is groundbreaking stuff. You know what you need to do to take care of yourself. But sometimes, it’s easier to have someone show us love than for us to do it ourselves.
Ultimately, your self-esteem, self-worth, and how attractive you feel should come from yourself, not from an outside source.
Because the love that comes from within is something you can count on, day in and day out.
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