Until a few years ago, unless you were part of the BDSM community, submissive was just a word.
You’d probably would have thought that submissive meant meek, respectful, compliant and passive.
Then 50 Shades of Grey arrived and the word took on a whole new meaning.
These days, the sexual side of the word ‘submissive’ means something else.
It’s a descriptive word for a role that some people like to take during sex, role play or within their kinky relationship.
Who can be a submissive?
The submissive partner can be either the male or the female.
It’s also possible for people to take it in turns to be the submissive one, which is known as ‘switching’.
A question that crosses the minds of many is “what is my purpose being submissive?” and it’s a good question to ask yourself.
It’s rare to find a soul that actually knows the answer to this question.
It is true that we have more than just one purpose in life, so I’d like to stick with the question
Every submissive and dominant relationship is different and has different levels of intensity and different rules.
It is more common to keep the dominant and submissive roles to the bedroom (or to specific periods of time) rather than living the lifestyle 24/7, as it can be difficult to sustain a relationship with an inherent imbalance, especially if you have a family.
It can be hard to understand why another person wants to be submissive if that’s not something you’re personally interested in.
It’s important to try to understand and not to judge.
There is a real difference between kinky and abusive.
That difference is enthusiastic consent.
Submissive relationships only work when they are based around consent.
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The purpose of a submissive when serving a Dominant?
When playing with a submissive, finding their role in my life is an important job.
I must choose the correct tasks and exercises for them that will be equally as challenging as they are rewarding.
I’m very much about empowerment and win/win arrangements.
John’s/clients often share with me that they feel a true sense of purpose when submitting at the feet of a Dominant.
But is the fantasy of having someone control their every action and decision liberating for them because at least they know their place in the dungeon space, as opposed to the outside world?
It’s pretty obvious to see that most people enjoy being told how to think and feel, just look at how popular the news is…
Teaching a submissive how to be an independent, thinking, feeling being whilst showing them how to be intuitive enough to know what I need before I even ask, sometimes takes extensive training.
In order to find the correct purpose for a submissive, there needs to be negotiation, clear communication of boundaries & discussion of D/s relationship goals before playtime begins.
Your submissive will feel safe and cared for when you do this because the Dominant will understand their motivation for wanting to serve and design playtime around these desires.
Which causes them to sink deeper into subspace more easily and effortlessly.
Understanding what your sub needs makes all the difference and in-turn will have them keep coming back to you, in total devotion.
What is SubSpace?
In a D/s relationship, a very special place the submissive enters when they totally trusts their Dominant, and is totally immersive in the play.
The submissive may not be capable of making rational decisions about their safety and well-being at this point.
It is the responsibility of the Dom to provide for the welfare of the sub, as the sub has trusted the Dom to do.
It is also the Dom’s responsibility after the play to help the sub to return to “vanilla space.” Meaning the normal, everyday perception of reality.
This entails providing both physical and emotional assurance to the sub, until the sub regains their sense of self.
This is known as aftercare.
Aftercare – The Most Important Part
In BDSM play, the quiet period immediately following a “scene” between the Top/Dom and the bottom/sub; often includes cuddling, talking, gradually returning to the real world.
This is the most important and necessary aspect of playing.
The Four Pillars Of A D/s Relationship
A true D/s relationship is based upon the needs, wants, desires and curiosities of the sub.
The sub defines the flow and boundaries of the relationship.
The Dom’s job is to listen closely, ask questions, and intuit what the sub says and sometimes can’t say.
Help them creatively and safely explore their innermost self, mentally, emotionally and yes, sexually, too.
Sometimes the sub’s boundaries get gently pressed, too.
This is why the four pillars of a D/s relationship are trust, communication, respect and honesty.
If one pillar is missing or one starts crumbling, the relationship becomes stunted and may even collapse.
Practice safety and do your research before you enter into these roles. Send us some feedback, we at CherryDTV love your engagement. xx