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Find Love and Avoid Toxicity – A How-To Guide by Kayla Adreene


Reach deep into your soul and ask yourself, “Do I really want a healthy relationship, and more importantly, am I ready for one?” Here we share with you how to avoid toxicity and find love with this how to guide.

The Saviour and the Saint

Here is the hard truth. We enter into abusive and toxic relationships because we are getting something from them.
If there was no appeal, we would not get in them in the first place. Why we stay in those toxic relationships is because we are not able or willing to admit this, forgive ourselves, and move on.

The lesson is repeated until it is learned.
Yes abuse is real, yes, being a victim is real. Part of what gives power to, and works with that process is what we feel we will lose, consciously or subconsciously if we exit the relationship.The trick is learning what it is exactly you were getting out of that relationship, and recognising it is no longer serving you so as to not to simply rinse and repeat.

At that point you will no longer see what you are getting by being in that type of relationship, but what you were giving up in the process.

*Pro tip: If you believe right off the bat that the other person absolutely thought they were the Saviour or the Saint, that is likely also the role that you were in.

“How on Earth would those heinous relationships have served me!?” You may ask.

Well, in these toxic relationships you are one of two things, maybe even both: the Saint or the Saviour. That puts you in the Hero role. Stick with me.The Saviour enables you to focus on them and their problems, and despite red flags you get into a relationship because at some point you believe YOU can and will help change them, thus avoiding your own personal issues you need to focus on and heal within yourself. It is a sneaky deflection mechanism that helps you avoid working inward on that which you are not ready to address.The Saint is a response system that empowers you by allowing yourself to be beaten up, physically, energetically, or verbally. This person usually thinks “I stay with them because I love them” honey, that is not love, that is enabling their abuse. Recognising a toxic pattern that they are absolutely unwilling to address and work on, on their own, and LEAVING– is the true act of love.  

Find Love, it starts with Self Love

If you’re not receiving love (internally) from yourself, you can’t expect the others (outside world) to love you. That does not change the fact we crave and need love. So, if you’re not loving you, you’re now depending on external sources to prove you are loveable, and if you need their love to prove you are loveable but cannot receive that love because you don’t think you are worthy of love in the first place.
You certainly cannot love them properly, because you don’t know what true love is.

You may want to read that again.

The reason one steps into the Saint role is due to a lack of self worth, the feeling of “never being good enough”. Nothing makes you good like being a fucking Saint and putting up with shit that is absolutely inexcusable. Whether you believe you are dating down, out of your league, or right sized, the mirage of self-worth this creates is a very appealing excuse for allowing toxicity/abuse.These two archetypes lead you into being a victim. You did not have self control, you gave over your power to gain something, and probably didn’t even know it. Talk about a deal with the devil. The big thing is deciding you will never be a victim again, and knowing how to ensure that.

Find Love – The Plan

Number one, focus on what you DO want.
I am a big believer in dream boards, physical and visual.Pull inspiration from “happily ever after” stories. Keeping in mind “Happily Ever After” is not an absolute, your romance story won’t be absolved of stressors and completely challenge free. In reality romance is an ongoing story, there is no “The End” until you make your exit.What you should pull from is the fairytale feeling, the real good, feel good, excited and giddy– that is what I want you to hold on to.If you’re just like, “what total bullshit” to any romance inspiration, use the “why”. The reason why it is bull shit is because of your past experience, and we definitely do not want to create anything from there. You can use what you went through and that memory will give you a supercharger for the energetic magnet you will use to attract the relationship you DO want by using the really clear image of what you DON’T want.

Those experiences create a powerful contrast.

Meaning, think of the exact opposite of what you don’t want, rewrite how you would have liked it to have gone. Draw a picture in your mind, and focus on that. We are done recreating the past, we are rewriting the future you want to have. Ideally, you will do a bit of both of these.

Say It with me:

“My future is not a reflection of my past. If it was I would still be a barebutt baby.”

Put on your adult undies because we are done with that old shit now. You learned the lessons you needed to. It’s time to simply recall the lessons you learned and take your power back. It’s time to focus on what you DO want, to find love!Believe that it is right there for you, know that you are absolutely worthy of it, and allow it to come.

Find Love – The Action Plan

Okay so now you are consciously dating and there is chemistry, and sex drive, and butterflies and…..

BOOM!

If you have a full relapse on the same type of asshole you always do because you got distracted. You got part one and two here we are.Stop! You forgot to grab the road map that helps you know when to it’s time to go forward, stop, or turn the fuck around because you are going the WRONG WAY BITCH. Sure you have a vision board, that is a good start!

Now you need a design to find love

Now you need a blueprint for the reality — A design to find love!Each topic should contain minimally three checklist items and one NN (Non-Negotiable) for you. After writing the initial list, you should add notes that expand upon each check-list item, the most in depth being the NN items.

CHOOSE RELATIONSHIP TYPE

  • Spiritual
  • Physical
  • Emotional
  • Energetic (Monogamy) NN.

*(There is no right answer here, maybe only one of these is non-negotiable for you, or perhaps you are polyamouros and don’t need any, this is just my personal design)

Relationship Areas

  • Sex
  • Love
  • Communication
  • Career/Business
  • Morals /Values
  • Spirituality
  • Health
  • Physicality
  • Personality
  • Goals

Here we have given you a list of several aspects of life. Your job is to list what is important to you in these areas of a relationship

Ask yourself “What is important to me about X”

Example;
Sex

  • Frequency 3-5 times per week
  • Considerate and reciprocated
  • Switch dynamic
  • Role-play


Personality

  • Humour
  • Confident
  • pen-Minded
  • Conversationalist
  • Quirky
  • Talented

Let’s clarify one last thing

Non-negotiable does not mean you run at the first glimpse of seeing it is not there, it means you address that it is non-negotiable with your partner. If it is not something they are willing to work on– Great! It may be worth it, as long as you are seeing action to back that up.If it is NOT something they are willing to look at or work on on their own, that is totally fine too. No harm no foul, no shame no blame. They are just not the one for you – NEXT!Now, this last part is crucial, DO NOT negotiate your non-negotiable; walk the fuck away.Think of this like a shopping list for finding your ideal relationship. Take the NN seriously.You wouldn’t go to the market needing apples for a pie and come back with tomatoes instead and try to “make it work”.

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Go out there and find love the you deserve my friend!

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