Fantasy is normal and an inherent part of human sexuality but are the fantasies that are dormant in our minds desensitising us and drifting us further away from experiencing real intimacy?
What happens when one enters fantasy is, their awareness moves out of the body and into the mind, somewhere in an imagined future and it becomes impossible to fully present in the here and now with their lover. Fantasy isn’t always on purpose, but sometimes it is. We can fantasise when expectations aren’t being met, perhaps we are bored, maybe we want the sex to finish, or it can be an innocent dissociation.
Fantasy is not bad or wrong, however, if you don’t feel satisfied, fulfilled or if you struggle with desensitisation – you may be getting lost in your thoughts.
Fantasy, where does it come from?
It really is hard to pinpoint exactly where the fantasies come from because as individuals, we are so unique. Main stream adult media does however play a big part, alongside the lack of sexual education we receive as children. We are never told about the magnetic energy properties of our genitals, only the basic reproductive functions. That lack of education leads us to believe that options for the way we have sex are slim and most people model how to have sex from porn.
This can be damaging because porn is a theatrical performance for an audience, it’s also extremely impractical and energetically draining.
So how do we leave behind fantasy and become present in sex?
Becoming present in your body is the fundamental key for experiencing real intimacy.
In conventional sex most of us are so concerned with pleasing the other we forget about ourselves. We are worried about how our body looks, if our boner will go soft, and if we will achieve orgasm.
All of these concerns take us out of the present moment, away from our bodies and into our minds.
That’s a problem because intimacy is felt and experienced when one is fully present and associated within their body.
Relax and be with yourself first
To experience real intimacy with your partner, it’s a good idea to give yourself some time to relax beforehand alone. Turn your attention inward and focus on relaxing your body. Relax your neck, shoulders, belly, genitals, anus, and legs. Continually scan your body, be aware of any tension and release it. Be conscious of your breathing and visualise the breath entering deep inside of you, filling you up and massaging your genitals.
You will intuitively know how long to do this for and when you’re ready, join your partner and eye gaze.
How to master eye gazing
Eye gazing, also known as soul gazing involves sitting or standing across from your partner and staring into each other’s eyes. Eye gazing is a Tantric exercise for the purpose of communication with each other’s soul on a deep energetic level. It allows new doors of intimacy to open that were previously unexplored. Attempt to eye gaze with each other for a minimum of 5 minutes, the longer the better. This can feel a bit awkward and it’s normal and even encouraged to laugh!
Staying in and bringing yourself back to the present moment.
Then allow yourselves to slowly come together into an embrace. It’s important to have no expectations or goals for making love. Really try to see each moment as innocently new, as if you’ve never been intimate before.
What you do when making love isn’t important. What’s important is how you do it.
Catch yourself if you find yourself mentally drifting and bring yourself back to the present.
Focus your attention inwards and notice what sex feels like inside your body. Conscious breathing is the easiest tool for coming back into present awareness. Allow yourself several slow deep breathes with your eyes closed, imagining the air entering deep inside you.
This will allow your focus to turn inwards and your subtle cellular vitality will be activated by your awareness. These simple little tips set up an environment for you to blessed by a state of orgasmic intimacy that is way deeper than just physical. Your souls will bond and ecstasy flows throughout your whole mental, emotional and physical being.
Try it out and let us know how you go! We’re here to support you and we love to hear your feedback.
Read our related article The Problem With Orgasm Oriented Sex for a deeper insight on the benefits of staying in the present while making love.