A relationship is sort of like a job, as morbid and dull as it sounds. You have to work to get in it and you have to work hard stay in it. For a romance to stand the test of time, you need to be committed and willing to work at it.
No matter how badly we want our relationships to work, not every partnership we find ourselves in is meant for success. People change, and so do the things they want from life. Part of learning how to create happy and stable lives for ourselves is knowing when to cut the cord on relationships and when to stay. If you’re wanting to keep your relationship then here’s a list of what NOT to do!
The Importance Of Relationships
Relationships are at the core of the most important things we do, not only as leaders but also as humans. Relationships are how we form partnerships and families and organizations and communities.
All relationships, personal and professional experience ups and downs. There are great times when you can almost read each other’s minds, followed by challenging periods when you seem to be miles apart. These variations happen even in healthy relationships too. But if things seem to be more down than up, you may start to wonder if something more serious is going on.
Symptoms Of Concern
Whether you want to admit it or not, your relationship may not be made to last forever. If your relationship is on the rocks, these are the hard-to-deny signs that tells you some work needs to be done.
Resentment
Resentment grows when someone feels unheard or dismissed. Left unchecked, it leads to bitterness and a smoldering anger that scorches everything around it. Communication goes from difficult to impossible and negativity is overwhelming. The best prevention is a combination of equity and communication. Make sure everything, from cash to household or office responsibilities, is handled fairly, and if there’s something on your mind or you’re feeling frustrated by a situation, talk about it.
Disrespect
Mutual respect is a cornerstone of all successful relationships. If you’re sensing disrespect, whether you’re giving it or receiving, you have a fundamental problem. It’s sometimes a case of never having learned how to disagree respectfully, and at other times a more serious or personal issue.
Dishonesty
An occasional lie is forgivable and, depending on your moral outlook and the situation, sometimes even appropriate. But lies about serious matters, or a daily barrage of deception, are seriously harmful. Often a key to the source lies in asking yourselves what function the lies are playing. Is it to give an illusion of competence in some area, or to prop up a failing sense of self-respect? Once you understand why, you can find more positive ways to achieve the same end.
Mistrust
A single betrayal or an act perceived as a betrayal can wipe out a lifetime of trust. If trust is absent, again, ask why? Is it warranted, or is it coming from something unresolved in in a past relationship? If there has been a breach, is it too serious to be mended?
Distancing
If one or both partners is consistently tuning out, seeking distractions, and making a conscious effort to avoid making a connection, it may be that the bond between you has already been severed. People check out for all kinds of reasons–some temporary, others permanent.
Defensiveness
It’s not unusual to respond defensively when you’re challenged. Over time, defensiveness shifts into the “whatever” stage, which throws up a protective isolating barrier. Wherever the need for this protective stance originates, it prevents open communication and a meaningful relationship.
Contempt
The most serious possible sign; once a relationship is at this point, the odds of survival without therapy are low. It’s often a way of turning one’s own despised and unwanted feelings outward, so left alone it may recur in later relationships as well.
Think about the relationships that are important in your life and work, and ask yourself if they have any of these qualities. If so, you need to take action. It may mean a new focus on growing together in healthier ways, or more structured communication, or a change in the ground rules. You may need the assistance of a counselor to make things right–and you may end up needing to walk away. But with the right intervention and a commitment to success from both parties, you can end up with a newly strengthened partnership.
If you’re both wanting to save the relationship then here are 7 examples of what NOT to do to fix it.
1. Do NOT see other people!
This could mean, taking a break and seeing other people, shifting the dynamic to an open relationship or adding a third and having a threesome. This is a common mistake so many couples make when wanting to fix a relationship. A lot of relationships start to fail because of issues around sex, so naturally a couple will want to bring excitement back into the bedroom. But adding a third into an already rocky relationship is just doing to cause more discomfort, confusion and possibly insecurity, guilt and even regret.
2. Taking A Break & Not Communicating
Leaving a conflict or an unresolved issue to be swept under the rug and forgotten about is toxic avoidance. Taking a break and coming back as if nothing happened will only cause more discomfort as pretending an underlying issue doesn’t exist will cause resentment. Cooling off if one is too emotional is a different story. if you’re trying to resolve a conflict and either people in the relationship are too emotionally charged, taking a short break until one has calmed down is beneficial. The brain literally shuts of executive functions under emotional stress – so coming back to communicate when one is more level headed is a good thing.
3. Having A Baby Or Getting A Pet
The reality of having a baby can often fail to live up to the picture we may create for ourselves. This alone can add strain to a healthy relationship Consider how your mind, heart and soul change in parenthood. Having a baby will literally change your brain. And a dog will be a distraction from a crumbling connection.
4. Getting Married
Getting married won’t make the red flags disappear. No piece of paper or celebration could plaster over the cracks that are already shaking the foundations of a relationship. Marriage can’t force change, or growth. It doesn’t stabilise something that is already unsteady.
BOUNDARIES AND HOW TO SET THEM – CLICK HERE
5. Changing Yourself For Them
People’s behaviour is how they feel about themselves. How other’s think, react and behave actually has little to do with us. So changing yourself thinking that it will make a person stay or ‘tolerate’ the relationship won’t work. For relationships to positively change, there needs to be compromise on both sides. Not changing ourselves or our values, but instead accepting and respecting each others differences unconditionally.
6. Buying A House
When two people purchase a home together, it’s a big commitment. If the foundation of your relationship doesn’t feel sturdy, buying a home will end in giant emotional financial stress for the both of you. Housing contracts aren’t a logical or practical way of having your parter stay with you.
7. Grandiose Gifts
You can’t buy love and happiness. Grand gifts are a generous act but it can also be a tool for control and manipulation. Gifts are a sign of desperation and can be used to make one feel guilty for not accepting it. The best gift someone can give their partner is the gift of communication, active listening, empathy, acceptance and understanding. Everything else is superficial.
WHAT TO DO TO FIX A RELATIONSHIP – CLICK HERE
Conclusion
During times of crisis like an ending relationship, it’s normal to feel desperate but sometimes desperation will make the the other avoidant even more. Stay true to yourself and your values. Know what you’re willing to compromise on and what you’re not. Set boundaries and see a counsellor for positive communication strategies. Sometimes relationships just don’t work out. Look at a break-up as an opportunity for growth and self-development. maybe there’s an important lesson that needs to be learned that can only be learnt from being single. Whatever happens, know that it’s for the better.
