Going right to the source is the easiest way to understand something. Do you want to work as a barista? Go straight to your neighbourhood cafe. Do you want to start a digital marketing agency? Purchase a course from someone who has already completed it! That’s why, in my writing or when I want to learn something new, I turn to experienced experts as prime examples. If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment, chances are, you want to become more secure. Secure partners avoid these 6 things below.
A life in which your traumas and insecurities only minimally hinder your love life and other connections seem fantastic! I’ve been on this path for a number of years, and my anxiety has significantly decreased. People who are securely bonded have a positive relationship with intimacy. They are aware of the advantages of being in a relationship and typically do well in one. However, there are a few things they avoid that we anxious and avoidant attached people should learn from.
They Don’t Look To Their Partner For Validation
“If you live for people’s acceptance, you’ll die from their rejection.” — Lecrae
People who are securely attached recognise their value outside a relationship. They don’t need to hear how important they are from their partner since they consider being in a relationship with someone to be sufficient reassurance. You could anxiously attached and looking for evidence that your lover still cares for you. You could even question yourself, “Is everything OK?” many times a day. But that arises from a sense of insecurity that confident individuals don’t have.
How You Can Become More Confident?
Secure individuals come in all shapes and sizes, according to Amir Levine in his book, Attached, While they aren’t always extroverted and confident, they are aware of their own value. Exercises that increase your sense of worth will make you feel less motivated to seek affirmation from your lover. Taking up a new activity, setting a life goal to aim towards, or keeping connections outside of your relationship can all help you get back on track.
HOW TO BUILD & STRENGTHEN YOUR SELF-ESTEM & SELF-WORTH – CLICK HERE
Secure Partners Don’t Avoid Talking About Issues
“Whatever you feel, you become. It is your responsibility.” — Osho
One thing that secure people excel at is addressing difficulties that arise. While an avoidant person may avoid difficult issues and an anxious person may get afraid during serious discussions. A confident person understands that communication is essential for a relationship’s health.
They’re also the ones that don’t hold their feelings in. Rather than allowing things to fester inside them and grow into resentment, they settle conflicts quickly and return to a happy mood.
How To Communicate Better
The foundations of the happiest of marriages are found to be interwoven with communication. While effective communication may not come easily to you, it is a skill that you can improve.
When you’re both free of distractions, bring up issues. Rather than criticising your partner, concentrate on how events made you feel. Instead than focusing just on problems, approach challenges with solutions in mind. When it comes to these discussions, don’t be hesitant to tell your partner what you’re having trouble with.
A Secure Partner Doesn’t See Their Lover As Competition
“The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.” — Alexandra Penney
A relationship is defined as two individuals learning to live life together. You’re going to have differing viewpoints or strategies to things. Arguments are unavoidable as a result of all of this. When you’re with a secure partner, though, they’re not a problem. Securely attached people approach their relationship with a “team” mentality, rather than seeing the disagreement as something they must win. They both lose if one of them loses. This mentality allows them to handle conflicts more quickly and without disrespecting their partner.
How You Can Become More Like This
A simple adjustment of words might help you shift your mindset from “me versus you” to “us working together.” According to a 2018 study, couples who addressed difficulties with the word “we” were happier in their relationships.
What is the logic behind this? Rather than stating, “You never spend time with me,” instead, “We should spend more quality time together.” “Let’s arrange a date night this week,” for example, takes the blame away from your partner and establishes a team mentality.
They’re Not Clingy
“Relationships are like a handshake. Holding too tightly will hurt.” — Naveen Nani
I’ve seen a lot of relationships die because of holding them too closely. While the most of those were with avoidantly attached individuals who, in any case, wouldn’t have worked in a relationship, they spent much too much time trying to make sure their partner loved them.
People who are securely attached, on the other hand, do not cling. They put effort into the connection and would be disappointed if it ended, but they know they’ll be alright in the end. Part of this is because of the sense of self that exists outside of relationships. Another reason is that they are aware that the amount of effort they put into the relationship is appropriate.
How To Be Less Clingy
Ask yourself why you feel the urge to hold the relationship so tightly. Is your partner displaying symptoms of dissatisfaction? Is it a general dread of losing someone close to you, or is it something else entirely? I realised that my inclination to cling wasn’t beneficial when I realised that I was afraid of having my life transformed and that I was afraid of people abandoning me. It just served to retain toxic individuals in my life and exacerbated my fear of being abandoned.
Secure People Don’t Play games
While it’s true that playing games can increase someone’s attraction to you, this is only true for short-term goals. Things like inconsistent messaging, seeming uninterested, and the silent treatment are all detrimental to a committed relationship’s connection.
Securely connected people don’t naturally play games because they genuinely seek closeness. They communicate well and don’t pretend to be uninterested when they aren’t. They also expect people in their lives to behave in the same way.
THE 4 ATTACHMENT STYLES – CLICK HERE
How You Can Become More Like This
It’s as easy as this; don’t play mind games. If you’re unsure whether or not you should respond to text messages straight away, go ahead and do so. Don’t wait because you think it’s the right thing to do.
When it comes to showing any other kind of interest, keep in mind that someone who is pushed away by this kind of closeness isn’t going to make a good long-term companion. Mind games aren’t a good way to start a relationship.
There’s No Unhealthy Expectations
“It’s a good place when all you have is hope and not expectations.” — Danny Boyle
In Attached, Levine talks about how securely attached people are confident in their abilities to improve a relationship. Because of this confidence, they don’t try to look for picture-perfect relationships, nor do they expect their partner to be.
They see the person they’re dating for who they are. And they experience each relationship individually from their other ones. They enjoy being your support system when you go through hard times and appreciate it when you do the same for them.
How To Have Healthy Expectations
Expectations are premeditated resentments. If you’re unhappy in a relationship, that’s one thing. But always wanting your partner to change will sour the connection between you two.
Instead, focus on the positives that you love about your partner. If they’re not meeting one of your needs or you’d like them to start doing something for you, let them know rather than ever thinking, “they should already know.”
Conclusion
A lot can be learned from securely attached people. They’re able to form intimate connections without fear, worry, or feel the need to bolt in the opposite direction.
Their abilities come down to a few key beliefs:
- If they invest in the relationship, so will the other person.
- A relationship doesn’t determine their value.
- They can take criticism and still function under a team mindset.
- They skip out on playing games or creating unrealistic expectations.
With a bit of work, you can become more securely attached. You can experience those healthy relationships you hear about without all the emotional ups and downs.
