7 Topics Couples Don’t Want To Talk About, But Should.
It’s unlikely that anybody enters a relationship looking for awkward topics to discuss or ways to make our partner cringe. The majority of individuals are conscious of the importance of effective communication. It’s something we’ve learnt via trial and error, or baptism by fire. Lot’s of us have gone to retreats, seminars, and workshops. We’ve enlisted the help of our buddies. We may have even witnessed their relationships, as well as a few of our own, burn to the ground. And from that we’ve mentally compiled a list of what not to do’s.
Some couples may have even sat down with a therapist who specialises in building effective communication within intimate relationships. Because of this, they’ve learned that what we say to our significant other is just as important as how we say it.
Current research, for example, looks at conflict resolution strategies in couples to see how our attachment styles and communication practises affect how we interact. The results suggest that those with more Fearful attachment styles resort more frequently to confrontational, competitive and jealousy-including behaviours, compared to Avoidantly or Securely attached partners.
According to other research, a more direct and collaborative approach with our partner is more productive and beneficial for couples than indirect or competing methods. Which can lead to confusion or contempt. Our conversational style creates the basis for how we deliver our message. Which is just as vital as the content itself.
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There’s even information in the American Psychological Association’s website for couples looking for ideas and insight into their communication styles, and there’s no shortage of books on how to successfully communicate our feelings and needs to our partners. We should all be diving right in and getting the unpleasant talks out of the way now that we have so much knowledge at our fingertips on how to properly interact with people closest to us.
However, this isn’t always the case. We are easily distracted. Make excuses. We may either play the shame game on ourselves or fear what our partner could may reveal about themselves. With pride and ego on the line, many potentially game-changing conversations end up unspoken.
Self-Disclosure
There are two common types of people: those who are comfortable with self-disclosure, which occurs frequently, early in a relationship, and those who aren’t. Self-disclosure has taken on a hybrid form in recent years as a result of social media. Which allows us to disclose information in ways that are different, quicker, and frequently more intimate than more traditional techniques.
When you have keyboard confidence, it’s way easier to self-disclose, and it’s also easier to walk away from virtual self-disclosure with a click of the mouse. Self-disclosure is, in truth, a personal decision. Some of us may be hesitant to discuss past grief, future ambitions, or other private details. Yet, in our closest relationships, it is the foundation for intimacy and connection.
Several factors, including the reciprocity we observe in our significant other, might impact how or when we choose to self-disclose. There is an imbalance of power if, for example, one person does most of the revealing while the other does not. As a general rule, self-disclosure occurs gradually, with the more intimate the connection develops, the more self-disclosure a person should make.
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Several factors, including the reciprocity we observe in our significant other, might impact how or when we choose to self-disclose. There is an imbalance of power if, for example, one person does most of the revealing while the other does not. As a general rule, self-disclosure occurs gradually, with the more intimate the connection develops, the more self-disclosure a person should make.
Carl Jung
REBUILDING TRUST AFTER AN AFFAIR – CLICK HERE
Trust
All of our relationships, starting with our earliest memories, are built on trust. Trust is a fundamental human need that is linked to our safety requirements. When we are raised in an atmosphere where our caregivers are constant, dependable, authentic, and attentive to our needs, trust develops naturally.
Those who were raised in unpredictable, chaotic, or violent circumstances, on the other hand, are more likely to feel frightened and unable to trust their significant other. Those who have trust difficulties may find themselves in relationships with people who are untrustworthy. Which can exacerbate their trust issues.
Although it is a personal choice whether or not we struggle with trust, our capacity to trust, or not, is evident in how we approach our relationships. How guarded we are about intimacy or emotional vulnerability, and whether we minimise or up-play emotional avoidance. It’s critical to understand whether our relationship is experiencing trust issues so that we can find a healthy solution.
Mental Heath
Bipolar disorder, emotional or behavioural addictions, depression, anxiety, ADHD, and Borderline Personality Disorder are just a few of the mental health conditions that have biological markers. While these aren’t reasons to be ashamed, they do have a stigma. And many people may prefer not to discuss their family history or their own mental health issues.
The closer we get to our partner, though, the more red flags start to appear. With our partner or ourselves, we may detect apathy, patterns of emotional instability, adultery, obsessive behaviour, impulsivity, weight changes, or unhealthy habits.
These might put a strain on a relationship, produce drama, or weaken it. Most troubling is when mental health concerns have an influence on the possibilities for a long-term relationship or when children are involved. These issues should be discussed, but when and where is up to the pair.
Fears
This is a major one since our fears generally manifest themselves as anger. Likewise, indifference. These are common masks that, at least temporarily, keep fear at bay. If a partner is terrified of abandonment or rejection, they may appear angry since wearing Anger Armour is easier than emotional disclosure and expressing they’re afraid of being abandoned.
Fears might range from intimacy to success to failure to being silenced. Most worries observed in relationships revolve around one of two things: abandonment or entrapment. Despite the fact that they are two sides of the same coin, the actions associated with each might appear to be similar. Both a fear of abandonment and a fear of entrapment. For example, might cause a partner to push away – in both circumstances, it’s usually for self-preservation.
When we choose to be in a relationship, we’re also choosing to embrace old anxieties that may surface at some point, particularly if they haven’t been addressed or healed. It’s critical that our partner understands where we’re coming from and why.
ANGER CAN SHOW UP AS ANXIETY, ESPECIALLY FOR MEN – CLICK HERE
Conflict Resolution
Not everyone is willing to confront a problem head-on. Denial, projection, and rationalisation are popular avoidance or defensive techniques, especially when one or both partners are involved in the conflict. We’ve all heard the phrase “fighting fair,” but when our pride, ego, principles, or actions are on the line, it takes on a life of its own.
Avoidance, accommodating, competing, collaborating, and compromise are the five typical conflict (resolution) approaches defined by Thomas and Kilmann. The strength, quality, and length of our relationships may all be influenced by conflict resolution strategies. Many variables influence how we view and settle problems, including our upbringing. How we choose to handle our disagreements is influenced by our age, emotional intelligence, life experiences, mental health, and habits. If you want to discover more about how you handle conflict resolution, you may take their assessment here.
Upbringing
This should be at the top of everyone’s priority list, but it often falls to the bottom since some of us grew up in toxic, emotionally charged, aggressive, or neglectful settings where poverty, violence, or trauma were frequent. Let’s be honest: we won’t all be close to our families. Some of us didn’t have the “perfect” upbringing, does such a thing exist? And as a result, we may carry anger, sadness, or unresolved trauma with us.
By disclosing our family history, our relationships with our siblings, our parents or the family dynamics, we’re letting our partner into a vulnerable and sometimes painful part of our earliest experiences.
Finances
When it comes to our relationship’s long-term goals, finances are a pretty big deal. For example, if one partner is a big spender who uses shopping as a kind of retail therapy, while the other hasn’t bought anything new in the previous year, the relationship’s quality may suffer. Alternatively, if one couple is a knowledgeable investor and the other isn’t, it might have an impact on retirement plans and ambitions.
As a result, partners should not only be aligned in terms of their career, education, and values, but also in terms of their spending habits, or have a strategy in place to become more aligned.
Intimacy
Let’s start with a definition of “intimacy” and how it’s misunderstood. Intimacy can be physical or emotional, and it frequently refers to a couple’s faithfulness and emotional engagement.
Those who have a more Avoidant attachment style, or tend to swing on the emotionally unavailable side will often use physical intimacy as a way of connecting with their partner. Sure, sex is an important and necessary part of our relationship with our partner. However, emotional intimacy is where we seal-the-deal. With emotional intimacy, we’re allowing ourselves to step away from fears, from how we typically avoid vulnerable emotions, or from experiences that we shy away from. We’re being receptive to full self-disclosure, and we’re trusting that our partner is going to emotionally support us, and be non-judgemental.
It’s crucial to talk about where you stand on the emotional intimacy spectrum. Creating and sustaining the required intimacy is essential. If things are moving too quickly, speak out. If touchy topics are brought up, speak up. Let your partner know if you’re confused, uncomfortable, or emotionally triggered.
Afterword
While these topics are necessary to improve the quality of our relationship, there is such a thing as too much, too soon. When couples expose too much too quickly, it’s typically a red flag, just like with self-disclosure. This might be interpreted as a personality fault or a high level of insecurity. When it comes to issues of the heart, if you and your partner are planning to remain together for the long haul, these important discussions will normally take place at their own pace. The fact that they are mentioned is more significant than when they are discussed.
